I’m a third generation junk aficionado—my grandpa owned a wrecking yard and my mom deals in antiques. By all accounts, I am a Second Hand Queen. I am known in these parts for getting good deals on used goods. Now that I live in suburbia, I’m surrounded by yard sales, garage sales, and estate sales. But suburban hell is garage sale heaven. I also put on a mean sale myself. With this experience behind me, I offer insight for would-be garage sale entrepreneurs.

Let’s start with the basics. Pick the right days, like Fridays and Saturdays. Sundays have become useless in the garage sale world and, besides, it’s the Sabbath, God’s designated day off. Seasoned salers know that the good items have been picked off by Sunday and avoid said sales. Instead, Sunday “vultures” circle the dead sale, looking for a good deal. Your desperation for customers will stink—they know you’ll practically give them whatever they can haul away. Take my hard won advice —instead of breaking a commandment, shoot for two days (Friday and Saturday). If you really want it all gone and want to watch a feeding frenzy, at 3 p.m. on your last day, jot a note on Craigslist that says “Free stuff after five p.m.!”

Price items affordably and at a level where you can comfortably negotiate with people. Barter, dicker, haggle, negotiate — this is the way of my people. Newcomers to our country have got it down. You say ten, they say two, you say no, they counter, etcetera and so on until you reach an agreement. If no agreement can be reached, call it good, thank them for their interest and move on. Grumbling and griping about negotiating prices and how irritating “certain groups” are at garage sales is not only bigoted, it’s ridiculous. To put it simply, if this part upsets or insults you, DO NOT put on a yard sale.

The most annoying sale faux pas ever is old signs. It happens every year. The sun comes out and signs go up, never to be taken down again. They create a visual nuisance, litter our roadways and really tick off people hunting for a bargain. Your children will be accursed for generations, I promise you. Take them down the minute you close the doors. Don’t put a thing away until this step has occurred. Ugh.

And don’t drop the ball on sign making. This may be the most important element. Make them big enough. Make them simple —SALE in big, bold letters, a large solid arrow pointing in the correct direction and visible from at least one block away, the days of the sale, and the address. Don’t list every item you are selling. I don’t care what you say you have; I just want to be able to find the darn thing. Use the same medium for every sign. If you start with hot pink paper, end with hot pink paper. Pay close attention to where you place them. If you write just the address and expect me to MapQuest the location, I promise you I will not attend and neither will the majority of my second hand people.

And please, I beg you, don’t say “BIG” or “HUGE” unless you really mean it. Can I tell you how disheartening it is to find one table with some baby clothes and a blanket on the grass with some old ratty Furbies and soiled Beanie Babies after you’ve followed a sign for 5 miles, anticipating “HUGE G-SALE”? My husband’s tirades about the misuse of “BIG” and “HUGE” are legendary. I will record them one day for posterity. Until then, please do not increase his aneurysm potential. Label them correctly. I beg you.

One way to avoid this problem is to band together with other people who have puny sales and make one really big sale. There are bookkeeping issues associated with this practice, like marking everything with each individuals initials and writing down every amount, but it really pays off in the end. Your miniscule pile of junk looks much more appealing when mixed with your neighbors’ miniscule piles of junk. Trust me on this one. Besides, it’s more fun with a friend—you can drink a beer and have a laughing good time instead of staring off into the nothingness alone for 16 hours. And avoid the awkward silence, have music playing!

And finally — Craigslist. Your people await. They want your sale info and may not be in your area. I get people from miles away to come to my yard sales because of Craig and his precious list. And free is a very good price, so don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. You might also utilize the free listings on the back page of your local arts and culture newspaper….

Erin Kluka lives in Cascade Park, a nice place to live. She and her husband are raising a new generation of second hand warriors. Their yard sales are legend in these parts.